Self Sabotage

My first novel was published about the same time as a fellow author's. We were both published through the same small press and became acquainted through their online authors' informational loop. Since that time, she has published multiple books. Some through the same small press, some through a major NY publishing house, and some she has self-published.

I often find myself wondering if I would have as many books published or have her level of success if I didn't sabotage myself by taking so long to complete a manuscript, or by letting family members interrupt or take over my designated writing time completely, or by spending that time doing other things I deemed more important at the time than getting words on the page.

I don't begrudge the author mentioned above her accolades or her success. She deserves both. But, if I'm completely honest, I can't help feeling the slightest twinge of jealousy. I'm told it's natural to feel this way, that it's part of human nature, but I don't like the feeling.

Taking an honest and realistic look at where I'm at allows me to set aside that feeling. I do take full responsibility for my stalled writing career. I could blame it on having an unbelievably high stress job with the worst manager imaginable who has serious anger management issues where the slightest thing would set her off so everyone always felt like they were walking on eggshells waiting for the inevitable daily explosion to come, but I won't.

It's true I was so anxiety ridden and stressed out for the three years I worked for that company that trying to write seemed all but impossible. I suffered from insomnia and was barely able to concentrate on anything other than what I might have to face when I returned to the office the next day. But I finally decided the money and perks weren't worth it any longer.

I found a new job (the one I have now) in a small office that is virtually stress free, with supportive co-workers and an owner who makes sure everyone feels appreciated for what they do. While the commute time is about double that of my old job and I'm making a little less money and have none of the perks I had before, I'm so much happier. I no longer have insomnia or anxiety issues.

As my mom gets older, I want to be able to be home with her every day, to be there for her in whatever capacity she might need me. Being able to work full-time as a writer and meet my financial responsibilities from my writing income would allow me to do that. Yet I've had my current job for just under two years and I still haven't managed to complete a manuscript in that time. I need to take a hard look at why that is.